You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
