As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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