just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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