Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
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the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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