I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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