i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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