There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
