Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Found your dick twin last night
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
