ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
