I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
There are leaves in my underwear?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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