just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You left your phone here
Wait...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
