I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
