i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
