If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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