Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
