I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
