You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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