i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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