I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
