captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
