i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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