Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
