I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
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First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
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My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't turn off my feet"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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