happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
