I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
