Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
