Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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