he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
should my penis look like a turkey
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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