the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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