Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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