I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He felt like a one man threesome
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
