Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
