Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I didn't notice because vodka
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
