i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
