Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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