If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my shit smells like andre
she pinky promised me she was 18
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
