We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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