is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
