what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
