im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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