I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
