I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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