I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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