He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
time to smoke my breakfast
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We're too hungover to prance.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
