He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
