Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
