I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
