Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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