My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
