Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
