I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
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im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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