Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
