i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
