I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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