So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
