he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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